


"No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart"

by TheSquiglet



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Keeping it wholesome, M/M, Nightmares, Third lockdown clearly serving some different vibes cos here I am, This is a complete work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:56:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28896243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSquiglet/pseuds/TheSquiglet
Summary: Ben has a tendency to know that Callum tends to bottle a lot of things up and thinks he can just suffer alone because it's easier. Ben isn't having that. He just wants him to know he deserves good things. The way he does for him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The title is a quote by Shanina Shaik! We love a quote here on this account. I hope everyone is doing alright as we go THROUGH it!

The thing about Callum is that he bottles a lot of things up. Internalises it. Thinks and believes he can go it alone until he seriously can't, all cos of his upbringing. All so he doesn't hurt others, hurting himself in the process. Not realising he doesn't have to. Ben's been trying – oh God, has he been trying – to help him break the cycle, get him to speak about what's bothering him and leaving him no room for arguments. So far, there'd been little reward and it was getting frustrating. Ben needs him to see that it ain't going to help him in the long run. He'd sworn to protect the man he'd come to adore, and nothing was going to jeopardise that. Callum wasn't going to come to anymore harm than he had already. On the sly, he'd sought Mick out seeing as he was Callum's resident - and most likely always - father figure to talk things out. Mick had narrowed his eyes until he realised Ben had meant wanting to look after his son completely earnestly and told him to sit with him for a quick pint.

He'd learnt a lot that day. Including the fact that just because his boyfriend was older than him by a few years didn't mean he had all the answers as much as he tried to pretended to do so. 

Sometimes he felt his worries land on deaf ears (oh and he'd know all about that, wouldn't he?)

But for Callum, he'd keep trying. He felt as if he owed it to him. Not just for Callum but for some stupid other reason. He wanted to shove it in everyone's faces. Show the Square that it weren't just Callum who could be all doting, caring and considerate. Shove it into everyone who thought they'd be God awful and not right for each other. 

Yeah and maybe sometimes he also thought that way – a lot of days he thought that way – but he was trying his best. Callum had decided he wanted him and Ben saw no reason to complain, not after that Christmas. He wanted to be worthy of him. Wanted to be his only one. Ben wanted Callum to be happy. Not just what he thought he'd thought would make him happy. He didn't want to lose the best thing to happen to him since Paul....or Lexi. So he wouldn't. Which again led him to his first thought and that was that Callum held himself high wherever possible but sometimes there were cracks.

Those cracks had kept going lately, built up higher and higher. And he'd kept on internalising it.

Callum couldn't keep going it alone. Those cracks were going to break soon. He just knew it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I watched last night's episode with my own two eyes. God BLESS. 
> 
> Thank you for the support on this so far! Hope you enjoy the next part!

“You wanna tell me what's bugging you? You were tossing and turning all night. Put me right off getting my beauty sleep” Ben tried. Almost instantly he noticed Callum's eye twitch. It was subtle. A blink and you miss it kinda deal.

“Nothing's bugging me” He insisted.

“You might wanna tell that to your face at some point”

“I already told ya, I'm fine!”

Ben scoffed as if to retract that point.

“I mean it! Just had a lousy night. I'll have a kip later. You gotta get to work. I'll see you later”

Ben nodded in resigned acceptance as he pressed his lips to Callum's cheek and shut the front door leaving the older man to his thoughts.

Callum knew it wasn't 'nothing' in his heart but he didn't want Ben to worry. Ben always worried. Despite his evidence to the contrary, Ben could be incredibly alert and in tune with his emotional side. And anyways he wasn't a kid! He could handle on it his own. He had for years! That in his mind, he dropped his head onto the table and tried to resist the tears that began to build. He didn't want to be alone with thoughts or last night's memories right now.

“Yeah, cos blocking it out'll help. That's helped before”

* * *

_It was raining. It was raining and that was all he could remember. It was so dark as well. His whole body ached and he couldn't even lift his arm. He tried to raise his voice but realised nothing was coming out. He tried to access his army training. Nothing._ _He attempted to call out again. He touched his throat when there wasn't anything. Tears started to make their way down the man's face. Why was this place so dark?_

_He heard a voice. A childlike voice. It was calling out to him. Scared. But why did it sound so familiar?_

_It called out again. Even more fearful than earlier._

_No matter what, he was determined. Someone needed him. Why couldn't he move?! Someone was in danger and he had to help them!_

“ _Stu, stop it!”_

_Wait._

_Why was Stuart here?_

“ _Unless you value your life bruv then I suggest hiding whatever it is that's going on with you”_

“ _But!”_

“ _Callum! Do you want me remind ya what happened the last time ?”_

“ _Nn-no”_

“ _I'm sorry bruv. But I gotta look out for ya"_

“ _Y-y-you'll see Stu. I'm gonna get outta here faster than ya think. I'm gonna be so much better for it!”_

_Someone else's voice appeared alongside them. Overbearing and booming. Not welcome._

“ _Oh yeah? And what's that then boys? Ya ain't smart enough to know I was here let alone leave this place! People are going to realise you ain't worth the struggle. You're gonna stay here and help me with everything. Nothing else. Can't amount to the nothings you are if you don't do nothing. Oh I'm only being honest. No need to cry like the girls you are!”_

_The younger boy stood red in the face and trying to remain calm in the situation._

“ _You ain't got the strength to be anything less than nothing! I am gonna get outta here one day and I'm going be so 'appy!”_

_The resounding slap he received suggested otherwise._

“ _You ain't ever gonna be happy. Sad, little Callum. You ain't ever gonna have anyone 'cept us! So you better be 'wares of that. Bring that subject up again and I swear you'll regret it”_

_As if on cue, both Stuart and Jonno dispersed._

_It was raining._

_And the younger version of himself stared back up at him. As if to mock the older, he used his voice. It boomed louder than any of the former voices._

“ _Ya ain't ever gonna be anything other than lonely”_

_The rain stopped._

* * *

“I'm back babe! What smells?” Ben asked as he appeared in the kitchen doorway.

“Actually did something for the day, didn't I? There's no point in wallowing just cos of one bad night's sleep, right? There's more brownies in there for the rest of your family, if you want. Think I made a bit too much even for us!”

“You're too nice for your own good....mmhmm and those are delicious by the way” Came the response.

There was a moment of quiet before Ben shuffled from side to side and wondering whether he should speak.

“What's up? Work alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just....you know I'm here for ya?”

“Ye-s? Where's this going? You ain't in any trouble , are you?” Callum asked with a humoured raised eyebrow.

“Why's that the first thing you jump to? I'm just saying!”

“Alright, alright!” Callum laughed lightly.

Both of them stood in the kitchen in comfortable silence. Ben nudged his hip against his boyfriend's and kissed his cheek. Callum's face lighting up in delight and surprise.

“What was that for?”

“I don't know what's gotten into ya or what's going on but I know when something's off with you. I meant it. You can always talk to me. Stop letting people walk all over ya”

Before any response could come through, Ben nabbed another brownie and moved to the living room. Leaving Callum standing alone once more.


	3. Chapter 3

“ _Ben?”_

“ _I-ii'm alright. Ya need - to - stay strong for me”_

“ _Ya ain't leaving”_

“ _Funny. Got-t-a look after Lex for me”_

“ _You're gonna be able to look after her yourself.! Ben? Ben?!”_

_An explosion occurred sending smoke billowing out from the other side of the Vic._

“ _You gotta save 'em Cal. Can't live with that guilty conscience of yours” Ben wheezed out._

“ _Who? Who 'ave I gotta save?”_

“ _Gotta save 'em. You and 'im. That Chris fella of yours”_

“ _What are you on about? Chris ain't alive any more”_

“ _Why is he looking at me then?”_

_Callum turned around to see Chris's face staring back at him. Chris pulled at his arm signalling for him to move._

“ _Let go of him, he's dying already! We gotta save that kid!”_

“ _C-chris?”_

“ _Hurry up! Leave him!”_

“ _I can't!”_

“ _It's either him or us! Make a choice already! Or I'll make it for you! And let me tell you, I'm not choosing him!”_

“ _You ain't Chris! He wasn't ever like this! I don't care who you are but I'm staying here!”_

“ _On your own head be it then! Once he's dead and you realise that you've let others die because of it”_

_The last thing Callum remembered hearing before waking up was a child screaming for her father as explosions went off around her._

* * *

Callum sat up breathing heavily. He leaned his head against the headboard and tried to calm himself. He squeezed his eyes shut. It wasn't fair that ghosts from the past still haunted him.

“You alright babe?”

“Y-yeah. Gonna grab a drink. Go back to sleep”

“Mmm, 'kay. Just make sure you get back soon, my side's getting cold” He grumbled before shifting back into sleep.

Callum walked over towards the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water from the tap. Placing the glass back onto the draining board, he slid down onto the floor placing his head in his hands. It didn't take long for him to notice that his hands were still shaking.

* * *

Ben woke up to see that Callum wasn't next to him as he usually was. Getting up, he saw that the clock read 7 and he was on duty for the school run. He got dressed and came into the kitchen.

“So that's where you got to”

His boyfriend raised his head to reveal blotchy and tired eyes. Ben's face fell as he took it in. He couldn't keep letting go of whatever was bothering the man in front of them. Ben also knew that he couldn't force whatever it was out of him.

“Rock and a hard place” He muttered to himself.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just said if I don't get a shift on then Lex'll have my head”

“You best get a move on then” Came the sullen tone.

“I don't how many times I can tell ya but I am here for you. Whatever's got you like this....I'm here to listen. Or if not me then someone else like Jay. C'mon, can't be the only one being graced with your presence. Have a day off today. Get rid of the suitcases over your eyes”

“Ben - “

“I mean it. Like ya told me, being kind ain't a weakness. I'll make you a cuppa. You're safe here”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used some dialogue that was directly from EE and then added some of my own for this. Hope you all enjoy this chapter!

“ _I don't love you and I don't want your love. Run along Callum. Forget about me. One day you'll meet your perfect guy but that ain't me. Never was. Stop pushing your ideal version of that onto me. Stop making me out to be something or someone I'm not. You're not worth the trouble. You never were. Shift it then!”_

“ _But I love you. I just told you that I loved you and you're saying you don't? No, I don't believe that for one second. You do love me. You just don't wanna say it. For whatever reason” Callum bit back. He knew this man like the back of his hand. This was just Ben being scared for whatever reason._

“ _I mean every word. Don't think just cos we got closer than any of my other flings that you know me. You'll understand one day. Not now though. Not when you're so naïve. So overly sweet. Overly sensitive. Cos that's what you are. Too sensitive. Too affectionate. I ain't willing to be tied down to that. You're just too much to take care of Callum. Now. Leave me alone and get out of my life”_

_Ben walked away from Callum, leaving him there frozen on the spot. The man who had once said that his goodness was everything he admired about him, gone. All that was left were ashes on the ground. Could see and feel his heart shattering around him. Why were people always rejecting Callum's love? Always walking away from him? Ben had just been saying all that because of something else, he was sure of it. The taller man wasn't having any of it. He ran faster than he thought he ever had._

“ _Stop! Ben, I said stop!”_

“ _And I said get out of my life” Ben growled as he tried to move away faster from him._

“ _What you hiding? Cos I know you love me. You ain't this much of a coward”_

“ _Don't you DARE say that to me! Not when you were the one to be that the first time! Cos you know that's what you are right? Right, Callum?”_

“ _What are you trying to tell me?”_

“ _Just that. You. Are. A. Coward. Almost marrying Whitney, hiding yourself away from the world and your family - “_

“ _Stop trying to make out like I'm still like that when you know I haven't been. Not for a while now”_

“ _I don't want you near me anymore. How hard is this to understand. How many times do I have to say it?!”_

“ _I ain't leaving you cos you're scared of actually being in a relationship again! Of being with me!”_

“ _You are just like your dad, you know that?! Always going on and on about what you think people should believe and think!”_

_Callum crumbled._

“ _You didn't just say that. Tell me you didn't. Tell you didn't just compare me to that man"_

“ _Would I? End result's still the same here Callum”_

_Ben walked off again, not hearing Callum yell until the car hit him too late, sending the body flying into the air and back onto the hard pavement._

* * *

“Ben!” Callum yelled as he woke up from his sleep. He placed his hand over his heart and glanced over to the other side of the bed. His boyfriend was still there sleeping nor gone anywhere. He was safe, and whole and loved Callum back.

“Mmm, babe? You alright?”

“Fine. I'm fine”

“Sure about that? You don't look right and it's 4am”

“Think I ate food that was off or something”

“Nice try. I'll let you off for now though so long as you warm me back up again”

* * *

Callum was always doing something for someone. That was something that Ben had caught onto quick, ever since he met the man really. Sometimes he did it for the wrong reasons – a la Whitney coming to mind – but for the most part it was because he had a good heart. A heart that refused to sit down when he saw something happening that he could prevent. Lately he wondered if that had been the reason for the bags underneath those beautiful eyes. Helping too much, forgetting to take care of himself. But no one had told Callum that he was doing 'too much' and asking Ben to pull his weight sometime so it must not have been that.

Work hadn't been too hectic either and he'd asked Jay several times over it until his brother had finally huffed and told him to ask what was wrong directly to his **own** boyfriend. It had even got to the point where he was considering asking the Carters if something else was up. Ben had come to respect Mick as Callum's resident father figure and all he ever did as a family man, but it still felt odd to just _approach_ him for a quick chat in the square.

“Ben, son? Y'alright?”

“Hey Mick” But speaking to Mick yet again felt like his only resource left. So he'd have to try it.

“What's wrong? You don't exactly look peaky”

“It's about Callum”

“What about him, he alright? He's not gotten into any trouble?” Came the concern.

“Besides me, ya mean? No I just had a question for you about him”

“Oh yeah?”

“Er, yeah. He uh, he ever sleep alright? Around yours I mean? When you took him in?” Ben just had to take the plaster off in one go. Only way he was going to be able to get to the bottom of it all. 

“Sometimes. Sometimes he'd wake up and think he was back in the field, singing out that Chris's bloke name. Sometimes he'd come downstairs and stare at us as a family, white as a sheet and trying to commit everything to memory. Linda tried to get it out of him every so often but he never wanted to upset the apple cart, disturb the peace, disrupt the unit. His family weren't all that, ya understand”

Ben nodded as an answer. Jonno wasn't ever mentioned in the Square after what he'd done to his kids. If anyone of them ever came across him again, they knew a protective circle would be formed round the Highways. He'd only known of the army stuff because of what he'd seen with the bottle and less said about the childhood the Highways had experienced, the better. But even then, all the mechanic had wanted to do was help. His partner wasn't sleeping alright, looked constantly tired and he knew something else was up. He just wanted to look after Callum and make it all alright.

Ben in pain was one thing, but Callum's was another. Callum's, he just couldn't bear to see.

“Alright, look. I know much like the rest of the Square, I didn't think ya would last. Don't look at me like that, not when you broke his heart that time in December and right before Christmas as well. Now that we all see what he sees, it's easier to know that you both will last. I don't have any fancy answers or explanations to help you here son. What I can tell ya is that he is my boy. Good as. And I wanna see him looked after and treated right. He's got a good heart, gut instinct and a brain when he manages to locate and use it. I don't wanna see that taken advantage of. Not when he's been through the wringer like yourself”

“So I came here for advice and got nothing? Cheers Mick” Ben responded in frustration. Mick on his part rolled his eyes and made sure Ben noticed that before continuing.

“Nah, you got advice. It's not just the one ya thought you'd be getting. I already told ya, I don't have the fancy answers. Look, if ya really care – and I know you do – then ask him directly to his face. Don't let him get away with an excuse again”

“How'd you know I already asked?”

“It might surprise ya to hear this but have ya met Johnny? That boy of mine bottled some things up until it exploded, and also because I've been where you are. Linda's had years of me suffering through bad nights and not knowing how to help, nightmares included. I couldn't ever tell her until now. Not until she told me that she was there for me and I knew she wasn't backing down. Linda saw a part of me reflected in Callum whenever we both came downstairs for a meal or two. Blood-shot eyes, eyebags and trying to present as if it was anything but. The experience of what happened to ya in life doesn't ever leave”

Ben looked at Mick then. Really looked and sighed sadly.

“You're saying Cal's having nightmares because of what? The army? His family?”

“Or something else he ain't been able to share with you yet. Just make sure you tell him that he's got your support and he ain't losing it. Amount of times we had to tell him we weren't going to ditch him or say that he was welcome to stay the day at ours is too many to count, Just have a think about it, yeah?”

“You're a good dad Mick” Ben told the older man, noticing how Mick's face had changed to something softer than at the start of their conversation.

“Like I said, he's my boy as much as Johnny and Lee are. And I don't know whether anyone's told you lately but you are good to him. Sometimes ya get a bit too big for that head of yours but your heart's in the right place. Callum's been the happiest I've ever seen him. You know that, yeah? You and him, I ain't seen anything that strong in a long time. Make sure you keep hold of that”

With that, the unexpected gesture of Mick ruffling Ben's hair in a fatherly manner happened. Mick striding off into the Minute Mart before Ben could even get a word in about what had just transpired.

* * *

Ben walked into the flat in a daze, still confused about what conversation had just happened, Callum staring at him.

“Everything alright? You look like you just seen Ian walk round the block in a chicken costume or something?”

“Don't put that image in my head thank you. I...just ran into Mick is all”

“What? Is he alright? Does he need something? Is that why you look like that?”

“Calm yourself down before you do yourself an injury. No, he was just asking how you were, you should go to his for tea some point. Interact with the whole Carter vibe you have going. Babe, you know you can tell me anything right? I won't be angry or upset or whatever”

“Course I do, course I know that!”

“No but do you? Really? You could tell me anything and I would be here to listen and understand”

“You're worrying me, where is this going? What's wrong?”

“Nothing's wrong, no actually there is something wrong. I'm concerned for ya. I know you don't think I've noticed but I have. Something's up with you and you're worried you can't tell me because?”

“There ain't anything up!”

“Oh keep trying it Cal. You wake up during the night covered in sweat and I can feel your heart racing! For the whole of this month, you've looked exhausted and stressed! You don't need to hide how you are or how you feel from me!

“Cos it ain't fair to you! Why 'ave I gotta worry everyone else?” Callum finally exploded, breathing out shakily and slight wincing when he realised what he'd said.

“Cos you're gonna hurt yourself in the long run! Cal I love you. You're so good. You're sweet. But you've gotta put yourself first once in a while. No I mean it!! You did it once before so why not now? You can't keep only doing that once you reach your breaking point, it's not healthy. You gotta find a way to balance it babe. Before your breaking point becomes something worse”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reprieve and a resolution.

“You off out?” Ben asked as he noticed keys being picked up next to him. He put his book down from where he'd been reading and focusing his attention onto his boyfriend.

“Yeah actually. Thought I'd take you off up on your idea of going round Mick's. I haven't spent as much time as I usually would with him and the rest of them. Knowing them, they'll probably ask me to stay the night so don't wait up for me alright?”

“Ooo a night all to myself, what should I do? Might finally knock that ugly wallpaper down”

Callum tittered as he placed a kiss on his partner's head, patting down his trousers to make sure he had everything and had been about to leave when he turned back round.

“Back that quick?”

“What you said....last week....did you mean it? About me worrying you?”

  
  
“Every word of it. Despite what people choose to believe of me, I don't like to see some people in pain. Even if it's something stupid like you forgot that it's bin collection day and you need my help getting everything ready” He added in as a joke to release the tension.

“I'm not ready to tell you yet. What's happening with me, I mean. I don't feel comfortable sharing it yet”

Ben tried to hide the shock, his face showing it for him instead. He hadn't expected an answer, he'd expected a brush off. All of it showed how close he was to another boiling over breaking point.

“You don't have to look so surprised y'know?”

“Sorry”

“No, you're not”

Both of their smiles coming to the forefront.

“I'll be here whenever you do want to talk about it. You best get on before Linda rings you up asking whether she's actually putting out another plate or not”

“Love you, see you tomorrow”

“Love you too”

With that Callum went back towards the door and Ben to his book. Right before he stepped out through the door he turned round again.

“Oh and Ben?

“Hmm?”

“Thank you”

* * *

“There he is! There you are! I was about to ring the whole Square up and ask where you've been, you're at least fifteen minutes late and I know that isn't like you. Oh come here! I haven't seen you in so long, look how happy you are and so healthy too!” Linda happily chattered away as she embraced Callum leading him into their house.

“It's nice to see you too Linda although I think you're crushing my ribs a bit” He teased.

“The cheek of you! Stop standing about then, come in, come in! Callum's here!"

Callum laughed as he entered into the Carter's living room. Linda motherliness towards him always provided some sense of comfort and support. On entering he almost bumped into someone.

“Hey Ollie, how are you?”

“Fine. Are you staying for dinner?”

“Yeah, that alright?”

The youngest Carter nodded empathically. He hadn't had the close connection that his brother and sister had had when it came to him, but he saw how they treated him as if they were family. So to Ollie that meant he was family, no buts about it. And he was nice.

“There ya are! I've had Linda in my ear for the past 10 wondering where you'd gotten to” Mick stated as he walked into the living room.

“I had heard thanks”

“The cheek of the pair of you, I've a right mind to let the pair of you wait longer for tea”

“Oh come off it babe, I'm only joking”

“I'll let you off this time. Honestly, do you have this with Ben sometimes?” Linda asked as she manoeuvred them all towards the kitchen.

“Not often, I try to keep him away from any appliances that aren't cars. Don't need to be told to wait cos the kitchen's already one moment away from a fire and the phone's being dialled for a takeaway”

“How is Ben? Haven't seen him about lately. He still treating you right? Mick, sit down, I'll serve” Linda said as her husband waved her away and to sit back down as he handed the plates out.

“Cheers Mick, cheers Linda. It looks lovely. Haven't good chips for ages. Ben's doing alright, busy with the Arches and all that. He's got a play date with Lexi tomorrow so me and Lola are going to hang out together for a bit. Imagine Ben'll want the whole day with her since he hasn't done since he's been a bit busy with work lately”

“That'll be nice for the pair of you. Eat your vegetables up Ollie” Linda spoke, the noise of cutlery being the only noise for a few minutes.

“Oh Ben will love it considering how much he loves Lex. It's sweet to see. I haven't seen Lo in such a long time and I miss seeing her and I'll most likely see Lexi when we do the afternoon school run so it's a win-win all round"

“How's work going?”

“Yeah, work's good too. Stressful but when isn't it? But it's still good” Callum said with a smile to everyone around the table.

“Good, that's good”

“Honestly I don't think I've ever been this 'appy. Got Stuart, Lo, Jay and Lexi. Got you guys, and I've got Ben. I don't feel as lonely as I once did. Actually feel like I'm making a proper family- proper go of it – for myself”

There was a moment of quiet as both the adult Carters took that information in, both eyes almost shining with tears.

Linda cleared her throat in an attempt to speak, her voice still sounding a bit emotional.

“Well, it's what you always deserved” Linda summed up for them all. The rest of the meal switching to different topics and comfortable silences.

* * *

“Thanks for the meal Mrs C. It was delicious. Thanks for letting me come round Mick”

“You're always welcome here, don't even have to ask” Linda responded warmly.

“Why don't you stay the night, you look run off your feet” Mick suggested, Linda nodding along.

“If you're sure I wouldn't be in the way?”

“If you stay overnight, does that mean Callum can take me to school tomorrow with you?”

“Don't see why not, you alright with that son?”

“I'd love to Ollie, we'll probably bump into Lola and Ben on the way” Callum beamed. Walking to school with the Carters as a kid with Johnny and the others had felt like a dream, doing it now as an adult for another member of their family would feel surreal.

“What do we say to Callum then?”

“Thank you! Night!” Ollie said as Linda picked him up to take him to bed leaving Mick to take care of the washing up.

“Ya really don't mind?”

“Course not! Your family's lovely, feel quite honoured actually”

“Wanna watch some of the footy 'fore you drop off?”

“Sure”

* * *

_Heat. It was all he could feel. It was hot. Wherever it was, it was hot. Too hot. Callum knew he had to open his eyes. He had to open them!_

_He saw flames. Felt them. Everything being set up in flames._

“ _Get out! You gotta get out! C'mon!”_

_Callum turned to see where the exit could be. He instantly regretted it once he saw who was lying down on the floor._

“ _Ben?”_

_No response._

“ _Ben, we have to get out of here! Stop mucking about!”_

_He knelt down next to him and turned him over gently only to notice the injury from the Vic shooting bleeding out once again._

“ _Ben?!!” He shook the younger man as hard as he could, anything to try and get a reaction. A voice appearing in the distance. Callum tried to spin round and see who it was, getting more frustrated by the minute._

“ _Ring around the roses, a pocket full of posies. There we are dear. Doesn't that feel better”_

“ _M-m-mum?”_

“ _Callum sweetheart. Did you know this nice young man?”_

“ _He's my boyfriend. Why isn't he moving, what's happening. Why is it getting hotter in here?”_

“ _Oh see this is the problem with you. It's no wonder why I left. You always sacrifice too much, including all the parts of yourself. Was he really worth the hassle? You need to let him sink. Let them sink. Light another match and disappear it away”_

“ _What are you talking about?! I love Ben!”_

“ _Just like Chris? How did that end again?”_

“ _We need to get out of here. We've got to! We've got to bring Ben with us too!”_

“ _Leave him! Like the girl you couldn't save! Leave them! You'll thank me for this in future. Do better for yourself”_

_With that she pushed Callum out the window and onto the ground._

* * *

Callum woke with a start trying to keep the noise down so he didn't wake anyone else up. He saw that his efforts hadn't been needed when he noticed Mick burst through the door looking worried. Looking at Callum trying to calm himself down, he perched on the end of the bed and gently petted his hair in comfort.

“It's alright. It's all alright. It can't hurt ya. Whatever it was, it was only a dream. None of it can hurt ya now”

Callum shuddered in response.

“Come on, I think you need a cuppa” Mick said as he led him into the kitchen where they'd been laughing hours before.

“Wanna talk about it? Nah? Fair enough. Y'know Ben's been asking after you lately”

“Has he really?” Came the despondent and still somehow sarcastic tone.

“Yep. He came to me about a week or so ago asking if I knew what was wrong and how to help. I imagine he gave you the highlight reel?”

“I didn't....no. He just told me that he'd bumped into you. He didn't tell me any of this”  
  


“Ah, guess he didn't want me to worry you if you found out we was talking. I told him to ask ya straight out what was wrong. He done that yet?”

“Y-es? Yeah he has, in his usual subtle ways. Did he really speak to you?”

“Yeah he did. He's a good bloke.....when he wants to be that is. When he's serious about you. I believe he'd walk the Earth for you if you asked. What's going on with you lately?”

“Mick it's - “

“And don't say it's nothing. You and I both know it ain't nothing. It got anything to do with what's happened to you lately”

“Maybe? I dunno. It's odd. Everything's blended into one”

“You bottle too much of this stuff up. Even the simplest things. I don't want it having an effect on you anymore even more in life than it already does. Talk to Ben, you and I both know he'd want to listen to you”

Callum looked over his tea and tried to smile at his father figure. It fell a little when he saw Mick's concerned face staring back.

“Cheers Mick, I mean it. I know you're not really a fan of Ben but -”

“I'm a fan of whatever keeps that smile on your face compared to the ones I used to get when you was younger. And on the contrary, I don't mind the lad. He's good for you, you're good for 'im. Just so long as he doesn't hurt ya again I 'aven't got a problem with him”

Sensing that the conversation was closed, Mick came round and ruffled Callum's hair giving him a quick hug as well. Linda then appeared at the doorway also sporting a concerned look.

“You alright Callum?”

“Yeah, thanks Mrs C”

“So long as you're alright? I'm planning on making pancakes for us in the morning if ya like? Seeing as you're going to come with us on the school run, you might as well stay for breakfast. Don't stay up too late boys” Linda also ruffled his hair before going back up to bed.

“I mean it. Speak to your boyfriend about what's going on in there before you crack and can't. Tell Ben what he can do to help you. I'm next door if you need. I'll see you in the morning”

With that Mick also turned and left leaving Callum to think about what had just been said. Everything that Ben and now the Carters had said rattled round in his brain. He'd meant it when he said he wasn't ready to tell him yet. However he couldn't put it off forever. Maybe he could try and tell Ben in the coming days? Not tomorrow or the day after but soon. Give him an extra couple of days to get the nerve to. He could give Ben a break from his constant messes.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A conversation and a conclusion

Turned out that even thinking about telling Ben what was going on with him caused his heart to race faster than normal. Almost too fast in some respects. He did really want him to tell him but something was stopping him. Maybe it was because despite what he said about being the happiest he'd ever been, he'd thought he'd lose it. Especially if he just came out with what he was thinking or dreaming. Ben was the one often seen with no tact, not him. It didn't help as he weighed it all up, Callum himself had a track record of people moving themselves away from him.

Callum had wanted to belong, feel less lonely. It was all he had ever wanted as a kid. All he had ever hoped for as he got older. Why would he try and take that away from himself?

So after all of that, it made complete sense that on the year anniversary of his kidnapping things hit the fan.

* * *

_As far as Callum could remember, Mick Carter had always been there for him. He had just seen a lonely kid and taken him in. All of the Carters had become like family. He loved every single member of that family and knew there was nothing he wouldn't do for them. Mick hadn't ever asked for anything from him and always lent an ear. Mick always stood up for him where he could. Mick felt more like a dad to him than Jonno ever been. He was a good man. No matter what, the Carters were always there to help pick himself back up. They were such a nice family. Tight knit, and they actually went about their day knowing they liked each other! They actually **acknowledged** him. Sure Stuart did try his best, but it always came with a warning of what would happen to them if they ever tried something. The Carter family fought for each other, not against. To a young kid who hadn't ever known anything but neglect and violence, it felt like heaven. Safe. Overwhelming. _

_It hit him like a truck as he realised this was what he had been looking for. Safety, security. Being loved and feeling worthwhile. Knowing that if he went somewhere, they'd check up on him. As if they knew subconsciously what Jonno was like to both his sons._

_No matter what, he knew he had them. Knew he had Mick. Couldn't ever imagine life without the Carters._

_And then his dad had decided it was time to up and leave. Didn't want them hanging round 'geezers like them', essentially taking away Callum's only support system and leaving him to his the mercy of his dad again._

_So he did the first thing he could think of after finishing school and applied for the army. He enjoyed helping others and knew he could do something good with himself. He'd already sent a letter over to Mick saying so and he'd been given full support from him. He just needed to make a good impression at the interview._

* * *

“He still ain't talking to me y'know? About whatever it is that he's going through. I mean, he just won't budge on any of this! And I know we've already talked about it Jay 'fore you start! I'm just really worried for him. How am I supposed to know what to do if he can't tell me!” Ben cried out in frustration.

“Is any of this really a thing to worry about? Happens to everyone sometimes, don't it?”

“Yeah but not like this Jay! Don't tell him I told ya this, alright? I know you're pals and all that but just don't. He's been having these nightmares. Constantly. Ever since a coupla weeks ago and it's like he's trapped in them until he wakes up, when he eventually does it's either because he's screamed or cried himself awake! I've tried everything but I am getting tired of waiting. How many times can one person say that they are there for someone? God, I even approached Mick Carter for advice! I mean it was weird for a variety of reasons but I seriously think he's beginning to treat me like some sort of a future son in law and I'm not too proud to say I'm freaked out by that”

“Well, there's gotta be a reason for it, right? There's always a reason. Maybe it's because he feels like you'll ignore it or send it off with a joke?”

“I wouldn't do that to him! I told him we would get through it together, that if he kept up this 'everything's fine' attitude then it wouldn't help in the long run! Which by the looks of things really isn't right now!

“Alright, alright! I was just spit balling, nothing wrong with that is there? Hang on...when did they start, did ya say?”

“Almost a month if think about it”

“Oh”

“Oh? Whaddya mean oh?” Ben asked as he lowered his tone.

“Don't bite my head off when I ask ya this, okay? Aren't there a couple anniversaries coming up?”

“Like what exactly?”

“Like.....his army injury stuff.....or when you were shot? Could even be when he was gone for a month”

“He weren't 'gone', he was kidnapped” Ben deadpanned back.

“I already discussed the army possibility with Mick and he actually congratulated me on being a good person would ya believe? Hence why all of this is freaking me out!”

“Look at you becoming one with the Carter clan, shall I schedule in your regular dinner dates now or later? Look whatever way you wanna put it it's clear he's worried about telling you for whatever reason. I'm surprised you haven't blown up like this sooner, after all you're quite the Callum whisperer. I mean....could also be something else though I can't think what. Something with his family maybe? Work even? He can be quite cagey that one”

Ben felt his head hit the table where they were sitting in the Vic as a way of showing his now even more present frustration.

* * *

_What was Mick doing here? Shouldn't he be at home? He needed him to be at home, it wasn't safe where Callum was! There were landmines everywhere, he just couldn't be here! His kids needed him, why was he here?!_

“ _It's alright son, Just keep calm alright? Ain't going to help anyone of us if you ain't. Just breathe”_

“ _Mick - “_

“ _Ssshh, it's alright. You're gonna get outta here. You and...what was the name of that lad of yours?...Chris! You and and Chris. You're gonna be able to save them. Mother and child. You start with them first and work your way up to save Chris and the others. Ben. There ain't no buts here. You gotta save them. You trust me when I say that”_

_Callum nodded before attempting to save them both. Only one rescued and the other gone in the blink of an eye. As if he had dreamed the saving. As if it hadn't really happened._

_The scenery changed instantly. He was gagged and bound in a warehouse and screaming for someone to appear. His voice getting hoarser with every shout. His voice would surely give out soon and his body felt like lead. No one had come looking for him. No one had come to save him._

_Mick reappeared. He looked more angered this time. Keanu following behind with a gun looking just as angry. Keanu spoke._

“ _So you got yourself in a new situation to the one before. Couldn't save them, couldn't save yourself. Pathetic really given your background with your family. Couldn't find a way out this time hmm? You really have amounted to nothing. You've never belonged and I'm sure they'll thank me for it. You know you'll never be happy? Still won't matter soon cos you ain't worth it. I'll save all of us the trouble. Your Mitchell is going to look very nice in prison. Your dad will love me for the amount of money I'll send and he won't miss you, he hasn't so far. I have that on good authority. You can join the souls you didn't save wherever you go. And see I don't want witnesses so say a sayonara to your man here”_

_Callum almost cried on the spot. Mick didn't deserve this! He was caring, understanding! All the things Callum had thought he never deserved in a father figure back then, like everything he'd experienced was just how it would always be! He couldn't watch Mick die! Callum knew if he watched Mick Carter die, he would inside too. The man couldn't let the kids grow up without him, couldn't leave Linda without her husband. All of them had already gone through so much. If it meant Callum went instead, then he'd do it. Sacrifice himself to save someone else._

“ _Don't do it son, whatever ya think it is that you're planning, don't. Ben needs ya, you know that right?”_

“ _Your kids need you! Linda needs you! Shirley!” Callum screeched. Keanu watching on._

“ _But Ben needs ya more. And I don't want you giving up on everything you've ever wanted. Not when you've waited so long to have it. It's alright. It's my time. It's just my time. You've been like an extra son to me, you know that? Yeah? You've always been another of my boy's. Nothing ain't ever gonna change that. You're my boy”_

_Callum stopped holding the tears in, letting them cascade down his face in terror and confusion._

“ _Are we done? Don't worry Highway, Ben Mitchell's next on my list and I'm so excited to bring him here for you”_

“ _You leave them alone”_

“ _You really are pathetic, who knows what anyone ever saw in you. Including him” Keanu continued before shooting._

_Leaving Mick lying down on the ground. Blood pouring out of his mouth, his eyes remaining open and body still._

“ _No! N-n-o! NO! Mick! Da-Mick! Ya ain't dead! Wake up, wake up, wake UP. Please wake up, cos I don't know how I can do it without you in my life! You gotta see me and Ben get married, and you gotta live for Linda, and ya kids!”_

_Thunder clapped and rain started to come down heavier, pelting the building. Blood soaked Callum's hands. Just like when he looked after his own injuries after his dad. Just like when he rescued that woman. He didn't deserve his happy ending when so many others never got theirs._

_He felt someone shaking him, telling him to move away from Mick's body but unable to identify._

_The rain came down harder, pelting the building. Callum leaning over Mick's body and cradling it to his chest. No heartbeat there anymore. His agony being heard across the Square as he pleaded and screeched._

“ _NO-O-O! DAD!”_

* * *

Callum screamed loudly as he came back to reality, curling in on himself. Ben racing to his partner's side after having gone to grab a glass of water when he'd come back in from his night with Jay.

“Hey, it's alright!”

“No! M-mick!”

“Mick's fine!” Ben responded confused as he tried to calm his boyfriend down.

“I got Mick killed! Keanu!”

“What are you on about? Keanu's gone and Mick's still here” Ben said rubbing Callum's arm up and down as a way of comforting him.

“I've hurt so many just cos I wanted a family”

“Babe, you're worrying me”

Callum seemed to come back into himself a bit as he looked at his surroundings. His body slumping into itself as he leaned his head against the headboard. He'd wanted to talk about it on his own terms however it seemed like his sub conscious had other ideas.

“Nightmare”

“Sounded like a pretty bad one, compared to the few you've had earlier on” Ben tried to say as a way of asking. If he took this slowly then Callum might finally open up. Help him heal some things finally. Move on from what pain was being caused.

“Yeah. Yeah” He breathed out shakily.

“Normally I'd ask you if you wanted to talk about it. Yet here we are once more, with me just wanting you to tell what it is so I can help fix it”

“Or I could just tell you when I'm ready to. Like I told ya” His voice sounding weak, still seeing the images of Mick from his nightmare.

“Yeah, when? It's been weeks! At least a month or so. I've tried telling you in different ways that I'm here for you, and wondering what's going on in there. You're at breaking point which is something I thought we could have stopped. You've struggled for way too long on your own lately. How are you going to know what I'd say until you ask? You gotta stop internalising things like this. I mean it when I say that you could tell me anything and I'd listen. Could even talk about watching paint dry and I'd be there” Ben's voice coming out gently.

“As if you'd listen to that” Came the quieter voice.

“Yeah, you're right. Got more refined tastes, haven't I?”

“I don't want you to think I'm weak. Or a coward”

“You ain't”

“Ya used to think I was. In my nightmares, you tell me I still am”

“That was then. It matters what I think of ya now. You ain't weak. In fact, I ain't ever met anyone stronger. And dream me sounds like I'd want to fight him in the back alleyway. So tell me. What's been going with you? Please Cal, I just want to know so I can start helping. Stop whatever's happening in your head, stop some of this pain you've been going through” Ben asked as he stepped into bed and pulling the duvet back over the pair of them.

Callum took in one of the biggest breaths closing his eyes and speaking as gently as his boyfriend.

“Lotta things. I know this ain't been easy on you -”

“It ain't been easy on you, never mind me!”

“I....It's been a year or so since everything happened and I thought I was coping. Here I am attempting to live the life I've always wanted yet all I can think about is how many ways I could have lost you. How I lost others like my dad and Chris. How I lost mum. I didn't realise how much I cared about you back then. I was so scared. Then remembering when I got discharged from the army and everything that happened within it. I let so many people down. So many people I shouldn't 'ave. My dad at the start, Chris, Whit, that poor kid, God I think I even let the Carters down sometimes....you”

“You can't be thinking these things” Ben said in shock.

“Well I am! This is what I mean Ben! This is why I didn't wanna tell you because I knew you'd react like this?”

“Like what exactly?”

“Pitying me”

“Babe, no. No this ain't pity. Nothing like that. This is me being concerned for you, shocked that someone as good as you is thinking like this because you are anything but what you just said. Maybe you let me down once and it was only because you weren't being true to yourself when you couldn't admit to being who you are. Anything else is what you are telling yourself. You ain't ever let me down since”

“I've been so lonely throughout my whole life. Always wanting to belong and be a part of a proper family. Everytime I think I'm part of one, it slips through my fingers”

“Not this one. We wouldn't do that to ya. **I** wouldn't do that to ya. It's you and me babe. If I have to tell you every day that none of us are leaving then I will”

“I didn't ever think I'd get something like this. Not this ending because I felt like I never deserved it. Not after how I treated Chris, not after how we could have rescued that girl. Especially not after how I could have protected you before you got hurt in the Vic!”

“No, the people around you hurt _**you**_ because of their prejudices. I can't speak for the Chris or army situation and somehow I still have an idea they'd say the same. We can't save everyone”

“I've told myself that a million times over. It just don't make things any easier. I just think I could have done more to save them”

“Doing that will drive you round in circles, and you'll hurt that gorgeous brain of yours which I - by the way - quite like”

“Funny” Callum deadpanned as he caught Ben's smirk.

“Yeah I am thanks. You didn't aim at me back then, did ya? You kept me alive and talking, even came to the hospital after me! You protected me just fine. You do so much for everyone, you're so good as a person”

“So are you”

“Don't try and side step this, you've been overdue me telling you this for a while”

“B-”

“ - You deserve to be with me and you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be part of our family and you know that. You deserve to be part of the Carter's family as well. You do not get people hurt and you don't control **when** they get hurt. Things just happen and we react to them. Mick would say so as well. Whatever your subconscious is telling you right now is a lie and I won't 'ave it! I know just saying this won't ever make these nightmares stop miraculously but you need to know this. You matter to me”

“You can say that all you want but it don't change things” He said forlornly.

“Yes it does. Yes it does! Now you listen to this Halfway, you get a happy ending now. You get your happy ending and so much of the love you could ever imagine. You get people who look out for you when things like this happen. All of what you thought you couldn't ever have. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you. I swear, everything I do is to make sure that I am worthy of you, because you're a good 'un. And it makes me so angry you never got the start in life to adulthood you deserved and what you're telling yourself you think you believe now. Angry you never got the family you deserved”

“I just don't want to disappoint anyone, get them hurt anymore”

“And cos it's you, I know you won't. You've got us now. The Carters, Lexi, Lola and Jay and me. Nightmares are just that. Nightmares. They ain't real, sure they can hurt you but they ain't reality. They ain't ever going to be your reality. Not as long as I'm around. All your family are safe and love having you in their lives. You're safe and whole, and loved and you ain't gotta feel like you're lonely anymore. Lean on us the way we lean on you. Cos that's what we want to do. Don't let whatever's been going on with you make you think otherwise because it's a biased view. And a stupid one at that”

“Who ever said Ben Mitchell ain't got a romantic bone in his body, hey?”

“Well I want you to believe it. Just like I do. I can't promise any of these thoughts ever going away for good, it's just maybe we try and talk about them more” Ben suggested as he placed his hands through his boyfriends.

“Would you be willing to hear everything about it? Over and over again?”

“If it meant I kept you round and have you look at me like that? Forever. I ain't ready to call this quits”

“Even if it meant you splitting up to protect me?”

“I wouldn't do that to you a second time. Some things aren't worth the risk”

“Can we talk then? Tomorrow I mean? Not now, too tired”

“You sure it's not emotional exhaustion making you flick your eyes opening and closing?”

“Ha ha”

“We can talk whenever. We can talk about anything” Ben commented softly squeezing the hand in his and opening his arms for a hug, Callum melting into it feeling the tiniest bit lighter than he for the whole month.

He'd thought Ben had gone to sleep when he heard saying something.

“Will you go to sleep? I can hear your thoughts rattling round like a pin ball machine. No one wants to deal with a grump in the morning”

“Talking about you are we?”

Ben thumped him playfully with a pillow as they lay back down. Ben staring a little longer at his more settled boyfriend and softly whispering.

“Cal, you get your happy ending”

“Yeah. Guess I do, don't I?” He whispered back letting his eyes focus on Ben as he closed them.

When Callum went to sleep that night, he waited for a nightmare that never came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has supported this story, it's been super fun to write over the past month or so! I hope it's provided you with all the feels <3.


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